Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

The Knife

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For roughly $30 there isn’t a better way to break one of the seven deadly sins and get your money’s worth, except maybe from getting a half-and-half in a Bangkok whorehouse. Both of those options leave you with a little more meat than you bargained for. Pro-tip: That was a play on words referring to both steak and transsexuals, for the uninitiated.

Argentinians don’t fuck around when it comes to wait staff.

If you’ve ever been to Fogo de Chao or Texas de Brazil (don’t be swayed by the propaganda, both of those places are THE SAME THING), you will be familiar with how this place functions except that you’re forced to get up and grab your own meat. Argentinians don’t fuck around when it comes to wait staff. Meaning, they don’t care about your needs. If you’ve ever been to Novecento you’ll understand what I’m saying. The Knife works as follows:

They have an excess amount of meats; enough to put chest hair on your tongue just by parking in their lot. They also pretty much give you a bottle of wine and say “don’t drive home tonight.” The point of this place is to gorge yourself in sustenance because you’re paying a flat rate. You can call it a buffet if you want, but they don’t because they’re a little too pretentious for that. At $30 a plate though, they have the right to. I’m not saying $30 is a lot for what you get here, because it’s not. I think it’s a bargain. These people lay out enough food to make a Congolese national sell his AK-47 for 2 minutes worth of food hoarding. They do this, then they more or less dare you to break even on what you paid for food versus their operating cost to feed you the amount you ate. It’s brilliant, it’s excessively American, and I love it.

Now, the quality of the meat isn’t something to write home about. It’s not in effect bad, it’s just… what do you expect from a meat buffet outside of Vegas? Everything else is fine too. I didn’t even realize they had salads until the third or fourth time I visited. Eating a salad at the knife is like going to a strip club for the music. It’s there to set the mood, it’s not exactly the main course.

This isn’t the kind of place you take a first, second, or third date to. Speaking strictly from the male perspective, for a first date you can’t take someone to an establishment where they can see you eat until you have to switch to a lower notch on your belt to circumvent stomach pain. Ideally, the second date is all about gauging how far you can take things after you’ve softened her up with alcohol and heartwarming lies… er, stories about your childhood. Finally, the third date is too critical for bedroom escalation. You can’t be sitting at a dinner table again pretending to care about her interests. No. The Knife is a place you either go with a female who is just a friend or a female you’ve been dating long enough that you’ve Dutch Ovened her at least twice by now.

When you’re very hungry and with people who are willing to compete with you as to who can swallow more provisions, I say make your way to The Knife. Or Five Guys because their burgers are the bizzomb. But this review is about The Knife, so go there.

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