Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Soya e Pomodoro

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Check this out, because it’s novel: An Italian restaurant run by actual Italians. HOLY SHIT. I know, it’s nuts, there’s not a single guy from Jersey working there.

…I thought they sold southern Italian stereotypes in bulk.

What initially attracted me to this place was that I thought they sold southern Italian stereotypes in bulk. In a way I was right. The first thing out of this host guy’s mouth was in Italian. I took two years of Italian in high school and managed to learn how to say “I didn’t do my homework” and “may I go to the restroom, please?” I used the restroom line on him which solidified my position in his eyes that I was Italian. It didn’t help that I went there once with my actual Italian friend who held a conversation for a good 5 minutes about… I don’t know, the mob or something. Since then, every time I’m in there I have to listen to him speak to me entirely in Italian. I’m sure he thinks I’m mentally retarded since all I do is nod with a shit-eating grin on my face and respond with one-word answers. The guy, along with the rest of the staff, seem like genuinely nice people. If I could understand what they were saying to me (a total of 3 of them think I’m Italian) I’m sure I can verify that.

The ambiance is great if you’re a fan of paint and stuff. They’ve got that all over the walls. It’s a nice open-area downtown place where you can see people walking past. Most of those people are Haitian cab drivers listening to Wyclef Jean with open windows, but I’ve never been one to turn down a decent soundtrack. Like mentioned before, a number of the staff are non-Jersey Shore Italians. The last time I saw that many hand gestures while speaking was when I watched Michael J. Fox interviewed on Oprah.

Michael J. Fox was on Oprah?


The first time I had their lentil soup I orgasmed.

Their food is great. The first time I had their lentil soup I orgasmed. I could’ve had a cigarette right after and it would’ve been acceptable since it’s an Italian restaurant after all, however I don’t smoke. After the orgasm I tried the “bolognese alla rosanna.” When I ordered it I stressed the word “alla” in the way a terrorist would say it. He didn’t really get the joke. The pasta was good. It had just the right consistency and the sauce had just the right amount of love as advertised. I was totally into it, but unlike the soup I didn’t orgasm. There is a refractory period, people. It exists. Don’t go around thinking I have performance problems or something. Who told you that? If it was Vanessa she has no idea what she’s talking about. Besides, I had a lot to drink and it’s been scientifically demonstrated that alcohol inhibits your abilities in the bedroom.

If you like food, and you don’t like guidos, this is a good place to munch on some grub. Just don’t say anything in Italian.

So where the hell is it?
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3 Comments to Soya e Pomodoro

  1. eRin

    Holy crap, this is high-larious! From the MJF and Oprah to ‘Those who would like it’, thanks for the shout out to h.s. Italian teachers. POW! This is a pass-a-rounder, thanks!

  2. me and my girlfriend just went here today for the first time, and by accident. We were originally going to another restaurant that was like a vegan-indian deal, but found that it had closed down, and we found soya e pomodoro by complete chance AND IT WAS MAGICAL. I love the ambiance and the plants and the art and the open-ness, I was amazed that something like that could exist in downtown miami (although, in all fairness, I haven’t explored much). And the food was wonderful! Me and my girlfriend shared a plate of Tortellini Arianna, with cream sauce, and it was extremely satisfying. We’re definitely going again in the near future!

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