Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Pieducks

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“Pieducks” has to be the stupidest name since “Racist McRapist’s House of Murder and Pizza” for a pizzeria. If the owner’s name was Tom Pieducks or some shit I’ll understand, otherwise, what the hell?

I’ve never set foot in this place so I can’t comment on that, however I have ordered delivery a few times.

The last pizza I ordered from them was pepperoni, and I made sure to include a reference to the Holocaust…

This is, flat-out, the best pizza I’ve ever had delivered. Spris and Anthony’s don’t deliver, as far as I know, and even if they did I’m sure they don’t deliver to Brickell. This has become my new favorite place for a pie, and the fact that they have online ordering which allows me to add delivery instructions in limerick form help their cause. The last pizza I ordered from them was pepperoni, and I made sure to include a reference to the Holocaust, Sharon Tate, and Blues Clues in my limerick. The confirmation email didn’t include the delivery instructions section though, it had a blank space. I don’t know if it’s just a bug in the emailer or if they didn’t receive it. I must investigate this further.

Their pizza uses the typical pizza ingredients; dough, tomato sauce, cheese, and oregano. In addition to the standard toppings they include a topping called “motherfucking awesome” which is an obscure little substance enjoyed in moderation and naturally produced in testosterone-driven fictional characters like John McClane, Jason Bourne, The Goddamn Batman, Frank Martin, and Jesus Christ: The Hebrew Hammer. Always order your pizza with motherfucking awesome, otherwise you’re better off trolleying your ass to Little Caesar’s and dropping a five on a “pizza.” Those were hipster sarcasm bunny-ear quotes I just used.

Originally I found this place through Google. First I Googled for “non-shitty brickell pizza delivery” but that didn’t turn up anything useful. Oddly enough, the fourth result is my Yelp profile. I’m serious. Then I lowered my standards, removed the prerequisite “non-shitty”, and went with “brickell pizza pie delivery, motherfucker” to give Google a piece of my mind. The first result was Pieducks. I was like “no, this is stupid” but I didn’t feel like refining my search terms once more so I settled. I’m glad I did.

The first time I bit into this pizza I was in my boxer-briefs watching an episode of Veronica Mars on Netflix. Fact: I would eat my own infected appendix in exchange for a reach around from Kristen Bell. Anyway, I’m drinking my Guinness, I take a bite out of that pizza, and the taste was so good I stopped thinking about Kristen Bell looking hot as shit for about 4 seconds. I doubt any other pizza could pull that off. My one complaint is that the medium isn’t that large. 12″ diameter? I’ve had larger bagel bites.

What does Kristen Bell look like?

She just made my bread stick crispy.

Let’s just say if there was a small chance this pizza could cause fecal incontinence, I’d take it.


So where the hell is it?
  • 1451 S Miami Ave Ste C-2
  • Miami, FL 33130
  • (305) 808-7888
  • pieducks.com
  • Pieducks on Urbanspoon
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