The quickest way into a woman’s heart is by giving her food that’ll make her ugly. Some people think diamonds do the trick, but diamonds are just a very expensive way into a woman’s vagina. Godiva, on the other hand, is a great way to show a woman you care about her. Unfortunately, sweets have a tendency to make women more attractive. And by “more attractive” I mean it’s going to increase her gravitational field as she gets fatter.
The quickest way into a woman’s heart is by giving her food that’ll make her ugly.
I had an event to go to and needed to make some soccer moms like me. In order to do that, the first step was to lie about my name so they wouldn’t Google me and stumble upon this blog. Second, cupcakes.
Motherfucking cupcakes. They are an incredible invention. The scale of awesome inventions throughout human history goes something like this, in order of importance:
- The wheel
- The transistor
- The cupcake
- The internet
- Other bullshit I don’t care about
I was relatively near South Miami hitting on girls at Starbucks as I pretended to be reading a poetry book and I figure I should pick up some sweet shit for the aforementioned soccer moms. I fire up Yelp on my shitty first generation iPhone and wait the 14 minutes it takes to load up a web page. It turns out there are a ton of little cupcake shops within like a 5-mile radius of each other. I choose LA Sweets because it reminds me of those sweet pair of LA Gear sneakers I used to have that lit up with every step. I call those the LA Pedophile Beacons, because only little kids wore them and it made it easy for pedophiles to scope out children at night since they blinked “molest me” in morse code.
What did those shoes look like?
This place is in the west corner of Sunset Place on the first floor. I like to call it the “death corner” because there’s rarely anyone on that side who isn’t wearing gym clothing, businesses there don’t seem to last too long, and one time I brutally murdered a hobo there. When you walk in, it’s not very spectacular, but then again I had the image in mind that it would be a wondrous place like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Because I’m retarded.
They lay out all the cupcakes and basically dare women to not pick out one of each, eat them, and complain to their boyfriends/husbands that they love the cupcakes so much but that they shouldn’t eat any more of them or else they’ll become fat. As a guy, the only proper response to a statement like that is lawyering up and dividing all assets, because you’re fucked no matter how you respond.
I have the metabolism of a hummingbird jumping rope on a treadmill — I burn about 374 calories watching someone else work out — and I’m pretty sure I put on a few pounds just by talking to the cute blond explaining the cupcake acquisition process to me. I asked her which ones are the top sellers to soccer moms, and she made a face like she wanted to say “we could sell rotting pig anus to a housewife if the frosting is sweet enough,” however she went ahead and told me the guava and red velvet tend to be their best sellers. I got some of those, the seasonal pumpkin, strawberry cheesecake, double chocolate, a rum-flavored one I guess so I can get a MILF hammered and take advantage of her, and a couple of other ones I don’t remember.
Teleportation directly into their colons.
If I were to say the women ate them I would be lying. They fucking inhaled them. No, not even that, I’m pretty sure they put them in their stomachs via osmosis. Teleportation directly into their colons. I may have seen one of them introduce a cupcake to her parents and then titty-fuck it in the back of her Dodge Caravan. Had I not partitioned out a couple beforehand so I can try them for myself there’s no way in hell those cupcake hounds would’ve let me try one.
I did try a guava one, and it made my nether region tingle. It tasted like what it must feel like to have Natalie Portman breathe softly against your neck while you’re being oral sexed by her clone with huge tits. I saved some for a friend, but unless she can replicate the Natalie Portman + doppelganger effect I’m not sure they’ll last long enough to enter her face.
LA Sweets has some pretty rad cupcakes, definitely check them out. It’s so weird how something so beautiful and delicious inevitably ends up as poop coming out of someone’s ass. Then repackaged and sold as a Lil’ Wayne album.
People who would enjoy it
People who would not enjoy it
- Shops at Sunset Place
- 5701 Sunset Drive
- Miami, FL 33143
- (305) 665-5288