Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza

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Usually I’m wary of new pizza places when I’m craving pizza because when I want pizza, I want what I’m positive is good pizza. The only reason I set foot in this place was that an attractive female said “Anthony’s has good pizza” and I managed to stop staring at her chest long enough to compute what she said. I took her advice because she was pretty. Otherwise I’d still be eating at Spris while gyrating to the music coming from Score.

The last time I had this many cute, young girls willing to service me it was the headline in a spam email for a porn site.

The first time I set foot in there I went with my kid sister. Two blonde girls opened the door for us like we were royalty, or reality show C-list celebrities. All the servers were female. All of them. And they were all cute. The last time I had this many cute, young girls willing to service me it was the headline in a spam email for a porn site. Pro-tip: Their free trials aren’t really free. Caveat emptor.

Since that day my sister and I have become regulars at that place. We haven’t gone back in a few weeks, and the only reason for that is one of the waitresses pointed out that we were regulars and that it’s good to see us. We didn’t want to become “those people” so we just stopped showing up. Whatever, that’s how we roll.

The pizza itself is awesome. I’ve never been given a happy ending by a twenty-something Korean girl who barely speaks English at a massage parlor in Vancouver, but if I were given the choice between two slices of that pizza and the handiwork of a sexy little Korean, I’d tell Jin-sook Kim to take a hike and blow off some other guy’s steam. I’m a straight up cheese man myself and they do a good job of acquiring optimum dairy coverage over all the integral pizza zones. The sauce is also tasty. It has just enough tang to make me want to let Anthony himself take my first-born daughter to prom.

What’s the most unrelated image you can think of right now?

The “fro-hat” is pretty much the best I could do.

The only gripe I’ve got with the pizza is sometimes you get a newbie dough tosser that burns the crust a little too much. There’s a man there whose job is dedicated entirely to placing and extracting the pizza from the coal oven. Sometimes he slacks off and neglects his duties. I don’t know what he’s doing, it could be texting his homies, reading Archie comics, or completing a sudoku puzzle but whatever it is it’s got his attention in a chokehold. I remember mentioning this to cutie waitress #3 and she took the brunt of the comment as if it was her fault. She probably has an abusive boyfriend. What a team player, she got 25% that night. Stamps are legal tender, right?

They serve wings which taste like we captured some angels from heaven, started mass-breeding them, and expanded it into an industry of genetic engineering meatier angel wings only to execute them for Anthony’s delectable chicken wings. I know it sounds a lot more morbid than you’d like, but think of the scientific feat that needed to be accomplished. Remember, angels lack functional genitalia.

They serve a few beers, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that Guinness is among them. Have you ever taken a bite of Anthony’s pizza, chewed it up a bit, taken a swig of Guinness, and swished it around your mouth for a few seconds followed by a brisk gargle? Don’t, it’s disgusting. But it sounded sexier in my own head. This is one of the reasons I don’t write sonnets.

Until we get some alternative-fuel fired pizza, let’s use up some of those natural coal resources on Anthony’s.


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3 Comments to Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza

  1. You are brilliant and spot on. Keep making me laugh and helping me feel like I’m not the only brilliantly worded asshole left in the world. 50 fucking thumbs up.

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