Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A Lesson in Things to Do in Miami

Will Smith once said “welcome to Miami.”

He also said “hell naw” in 84% of his movie and TV show roles.

Miami is one of those big-ass world-renowned cities you hear mentioned in movies, music, and television shows. In most cases, the movie/TV show will be based in Miami but filmed around Los Angeles where they have Mexicans play the role of Cubans.

What does a Cuban look like to the average American?

It’s shit like this, white people, it’s shit like this.

These portrayals in the media always make Miami seem like paradise, and since 90% of the time it isn’t actually filmed in Miami, it doesn’t show how brutally, ass-rapingly hot it is. If you’ve ever bought a Lean Cuisine in Miami the instructions generally say “just leave the shit on your porch for three minutes.”

I’m kidding, of course. The instructions are in Spanish.

The point is, those of us who live here know the truth. But for those unsuspecting tourists that are unfamiliar with what Miami truly has to offer them, I’ve decided to compile a short list of activities that will allow them to experience the true Miami we deal with every day. Provided you’re not poor, of course.

Clubbing

Clubbing baby seals is one of the most fulfilling things you can do. Unfortunately, our tropical climate isn’t conducive to a seal population, and the Miami Seaquarium keeps a very close eye on visitors carrying around Bam Bam’s ass-whoop stick. Trust me on that one. This means you’ll have to settle with the other form of clubbing.

What sort of clubbing are we talking about?

This kind.

On modern society’s scale of culture and intellectually-driven behavior, visiting a typical Miami Beach nightclub ranks slightly above masturbating to a photo of Macaulay Culkin in a porta-potty, and just below laminating a photo of Macaulay Culkin. Even so, it’s arguably what Miami is best known for in the media. Pretty much every celebrity that shouldn’t be one hosts a Miami Beach party at some point in their career. Unlike nearly the rest of the nation, there’s no real last call around here, so you can party until morning when you need to go pick up your car from the impound lot on account of you not being able to pay the $83,000 parking fee anywhere east of the Everglades.

The Beach and the Ocean

Ah, the beach. Warmer than beaches in the Pacific, less oil than beaches in the Gulf of Mexico, and more reported shark attacks than every single country on Earth combined. Miami’s beaches are truly remarkable as far as beaches in a first world country go.

Third world countries have nicer beaches?

Communist beaches in Cuba have less Cubans in them than Miami beaches do.

When it comes to American beaches, nothing in the continental United States comes close. An alternative to the beach is Miami’s fine ocean bed. Water crafts of all types surround our coastline, some containing refugees, vessels belonging to the Colombian cartel, and others containing Eurotrash with zero trace of chest hair hosting sexy parties with decks full of blond UM girls.

Cultural Sites

I… uh. We’ve got… um. Wait, what’s it called. Fuck. That thing.

Sports Events

The Miami metropolitan area has a team in all the major US sports. The Marlins, Heat, Dolphins, and Panthers. Soccer isn’t represented down here in a blistering hot city full of expatriated hispanics, yet hockey is. The experience most Latinos have with ice is watching grandma pour water into an ice cube tray. If any of them found out there was a sport where a bunch of Canadian and Scandinavian lumberjacks went around gliding and fighting on a block of ice they would die. Possibly of heat stroke since Miami is so fucking hot, I’m unsure.

Wait, what the fuck is a ‘hockey’?

Dude, I don’t know, I think it’s this one.

The Heat seem to have tripled their fanbase overnight thanks to the acquisition of two more tall black guys. This is the biggest regular season sporting event any tourist should check out.

The Marlins, while I love them, don’t really have the drawing power the Heat does. I’m sure if you ask someone off the street to name a Marlins player, they’ll say “Miguel Cabrera.” That’s not a good sign.

The Dolphins play an unfortunately-named sport called “football.” It’s a sport played by latent homosexuals that involves carrying and throwing an egg-shaped projectile with their hands. Logically, Americans took the name “football” from a sport in which you, quite literally, use your foot to kick a ball. They renamed that sport soccer. The Superbowl — an event culminating with the ultimate champion of handegg — is sometimes held here in Miami and it draws exceedingly large crowds. Some of the crowd members include highly misinformed potheads who misunderstand what the word “Superbowl” actually means.

Art and Music

Yeah, we’ve got some seriously solid local acts like Mayday, Fusik, and Suenalo. But with the good comes the bad. We have to deal with Trick Daddy, Rick Ross, and the always annoying Pitbull.

What does Pitbull look like to the average American?

Told you.

The last Pitbull song I heard, which if I’m not mistaken only has one repetitive verse and a chorus instilling infidelity, had far too many mentions of the Holiday Inn hotel chain. And seeing as how Y-100 radio ads are indistinguishable from Top-40 songs I can never tell if I’m listening to Pitbull “spit” or Holiday Inn’s ad campaigns are embracing urban culture. Plus his voice is terrible. I’d rather listen to Bjork pass a kidney stone over a 1,200-watt amp in a tunnel for 53 minutes than listen to Pitbull utter so much as a “dis da 3-0-5.”

With art, there’s Art Walk, Fashion Week, any-day-in-Design District, and even Gen Art.

Wait, what? Oh, Gen Art went bankrupt. Never mind.

Miami does have a burgeoning art scene, that’s a fact, though growth like that is followed by a massive influx of hipsters and, even worse, hipster wannabes. There’s nothing worse than someone who pretends to be someone who pretends to not give a shit about giving a shit. I know, your brain just got its salad tossed by reading that.


So yeah, man, that’s Miami for you. There’s this whole nature bullshit to the west called the Everglades if you’re into that, but honestly that Bear Grylls guy from Man vs. Wild did an episode on it so you might as well watch that shit instead and not risk being raped by a Miccosukee indian.

I meant at the casino. Raped at the casino in the sense that they take your money.

And also anal rape.

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13 Comments to A Lesson in Things to Do in Miami

  1. Marusia

    The only thing I enjoyed while living in miami was the cheap food and Dophin Mall..even tho there’s been a few times I’ve almost been sexually harassed…lol

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  3. Vivian del Cid

    I hate how they pretend things are filmed here when we know they aren’t! And I love Dexter but come on – those Puerto Ricans from New York aren’t fooling anybody – we know they aren’t Cuban! And why doe people think Miamians drink Cuba Libres and wear Hawaiian shirts?!?!? Sorry for the rant -loved the article! :O)

  4. Nikki Beat

    I am traumatized by the fact that I look like Speedy Gonzalez to the average American.

  5. I also love how 90% of scenes that take place in Miami are in fact of Miami Beach.

  6. Jose

    The Speedy Gonzalez reference is actually true lol. I live in Georgia now and Anglo-Americans can’t tell the difference between a Cuban, Mexican or “name your favorite Latin American country here”. To them we are all undocumented and should be deported.

  7. S

    “I know, your brain just got its salad tossed by reading that.” LMAO. Best part.

  8. heygirlhey

    So hilarious! I love that you called it “handegg.” Awesome.
    Keep these articles coming, I read them daily!

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  10. “Handegg” isn’t my creation. It’s been floating around the interwebs for a while now. Google Image handegg.

  11. 100% fact and 100% hilarious

  12. Kristen H.

    OMG, you freakin had me laughing so hard my neighbors probably think I’m nuts! LOL!

  13. H A L A R I O U S… I have spent the last two hours at work, reading your blog – “its good, its all good”. So bookmarking this… thanks for the laughs

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