Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Yard House

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I remember the first time I set foot in the Yard House since it was scarier than watching my grandmother eat a banana. I’ve seen Japanese subways with less people inside them. I’ve also seen women in Japanese pornography with less people and bananas inside them, but enough about what I do on a public library computer during my lunch breaks.

…overcrowded like an electronics store in Mumbai…

Unlike most people, I enjoy crowded bars because I’m taller than 95% of the patrons in them and have a knack for getting the bartender’s attention. The Yard House seems to have died down lately in the whole “overcrowded like an electronics store in Mumbai” department which has been a disappointment to me, but the beers are still cold. Speaking of beers, that’s what this place does best. Oh, and the restroom urinals. Yeah, the men’s restroom urinals are noteworthy. If you don’t have a cock you’re definitely missing out, so make an appointment with a Bangkok plastic surgeon at your earliest convenience to get the full Yard House experience.

Their beer selection is impressive. They also have an array of mixed beers which consist of two beers layered and mixed together to create a unique drink suitable for posers and alcoholics running out of ideas for new ways to show their friends how little dignity they have remaining. Fun fact: They allow you to request a mixture of your own beers in ways not noted on the menu. One time I had my barkeep mix Guinness Draught, Newcastle Brown Ale, Spaten Optimator, and Rogue’s Shakespeare Stout into a beverage I dubbed the “New Roguin Optimator For God Damned PUSSIES.” The bartender proceeded to hand me the drink and I promptly gave it back to him because mixing beers is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard Nickelback. The bartender was a good guy. Ergo; good service.

What is a Nickelback concert like?

Only in a perfect world.

I’ve had a friends that had a cosmo, mostly because they think Sex in the City is the greatest thing ever put on television. However, their opinions doesn’t really matter because; A) They watch Sex and the City; B) They drink cosmopolitans. In other words, I don’t know what the mixed drinks taste like.

I have had two meals there. One was some Mexican stuff which, surprisingly, consisted of tortillas, beans, meat, cheese, and vegetables. It was acceptable. The other was some strange chicken and rice bowl which tasted like how I imagine a female Chinese underwear model’s hair smells, so that’s pretty good. That concludes my first-hand experience with the food at the Yard House, on the other hand I have witnessed a fat guy single-handedly eat two entrees. Saying “single-handedly” is a bit of a misnomer in this case since it’s quite possible he used a foot to expedite the putting of the food in his face when no one was watching. This requires further investigation.

At any rate, I have no complaints about the Yard House, beer mixes notwithstanding.

So where the hell is it?
  • 320 San Lorenzo Ave
  • Coral Gables, FL 33146
  • (305) 447-9273
  • Yard House on Urbanspoon
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