Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Town Kitchen and Bar

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The only reason I set foot in this place was because my iPhone is slow as shit.

Let me explain.

I had a second date and forgot all about it which tends to happen when the date is planned via a text message a full fortnight prior. I was on my way to the Barnes & Noble in Sunset Place when I get a call from the female in question. She asked where we were going and I blanked and almost said “how did you get this number?” before I remembered who she was and what she was talking about. I did what anyone in my situation would’ve done; I faked static noise and hung up. In hindsight I should’ve just said I had another call. My static noises sounded like I was trying to connect to Compuserve in 1995 with my super cool dial-up modem. Or connecting to the internet in 2010 in Wyoming with my super cool dial-up modem.

It tickled my palate in the same way a ranch owner tickles a stallion’s nut sack…

I had to find a place fast so I started typing names of familiar places I knew into Google Maps but it was taking too damn long. I still use the first generation iPhone because I spent $500 on the damn thing and I’m going to get $500 worth of use out of it. I gave up and used one of those apps that finds something near you. Bam, Town was it. So I call the girl back and told her I went through a tunnel or some similar half-assed lie like that, which she believed because she was dumb enough to agree on a second date with me in the first place.

I don’t remember exactly what I had but I think it was something I normally wouldn’t order. I distinctly remember trying to impress this woman so I could at the very least get to second base that night. Wait, is second base where you grab the tits? That’s the base I wanted to get to. The booby base. I do know it was seafood, maybe swordfish. Whatever, the point is she enjoyed her food (salad) substantially and had four glasses of wine. I, of course, drank Guinness, which is the same fluid that flows through Zeus’ veins. The waitress was very kind and seemed to like bantering with us. She was so nice, in fact, that my date actually asked her to “sit and chat” with us. Did I mention I thought my date was dumb?

Oh, right, I do remember the appetizers. We had calamari, the mythological Kraken’s inner child. Normally I’m not a fan of calamari because it’s a Godforsaken tumultuous animal that lives underwater and has a BEAK. IT HAS A BEAK! Couple that with the fact that it also makes ink and you’ve got yourself a hell spawn created from the deepest nightmares of a dethroned God… but it was pretty good. It tickled my palate in the same way a ranch owner tickles a stallion’s nut sack before “milking him” for the benefit of the lady mares. The source of the tickling isn’t something I wanted, nonetheless I still felt good in the end.

It’s a nice place with dining indoors and out. We opted for indoor probably because there were some people jogging in the area and we didn’t want to get our nostrils titillated by the oniony zest of damp armpits. The joggers may not be a common occurrence, so I’m relatively sure it’s safe to eat outside on a beautiful evening.

I left in good spirits, and I leave you all with my hearty recommendation to Town Kitchen and Bar. And it’s not just because I did in fact get to the base proceeding titty-groping-base that night.

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