Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Shake Shack

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Found this place after banging some tranny hooker in my rape van parked on Lenox and 18th. (S)he was all, “ay papi, let’s go get some burgers.” I was like, “bitch, please, you already had some meat in your mouth! OH!” That’s how I roll.

Poor girl bowls like a geriatric Ecuadorian immigrant with arthritis.

I’m lying, none of that went down. In reality I just wondered how many people would read my review after seeing that crazy first sentence in the little preview thing on the front page. The true story is that it was midnight and I just finished dropping off a friend of mine in her shitty Miami Beach apartment after thoroughly debasing her mentality and whooping her ass at bowling. Poor girl bowls like a geriatric Ecuadorian immigrant with arthritis. What, you’ve never seen a geriatric Ecuadorian immigrant bowling? Because they fucking suck, that’s why.

I get a call from two friends in the area that ask if I wanted to join them for some burgers. I assumed we would be going to Burger & Beer Joint as is the usual procedure, but instead my buddy was like, “nah brah, we’re going to Shake Shack.” You’re thinking, “does he really say it like that? ‘Brah’? That’s terrible.” It is, but he highlights his hair so we focus on making fun of that over his pronunciation of the letter “O.” At first I was hesitant to try Shake Shack, because it’s a stupid name, but I didn’t feel like arguing my case. This decision was not a mistake.

Shake Shack isn’t impressive by any means. Inside it’s got this vibe reminiscent of a douchie vegan salad bar in the Valley, but it smells like butchered meat and condiments. When a place has the word “shack” in its name, make it look like a shack! That’s why I’ve always trusted Five Guys, because their vibe is more of a “here’s your fucking burger, go eat it” style. Hell yeah.

What is Five Guys service like?

“Eat your fucking burger!”

Since I had never eaten there before, I was very simplistic in my choice. I simply asked for a Shackburger and some fries. “Would you like cheese on your fries?” This is why I both love and hate America. It’s great that you’re given this gluttonous option, but “yo dawg, I heard you like fat, so I put some fat on your fat so you can get fat” is downright insane. The burger was good, not the greatest cow I’ve put in my face, but good. The fries were really crinkly and reminded me of middle school. Then I remembered this girl I knew in middle school that I had a huge crush on. Then I pulled out my iPhone and looked her up on Facebook. She looks like Enya. She’s also dating this dude that used to smell his own farts. I remember, because he would fart into his hand, cup it, then bring it up to his nose and release it and be like “haha, it works.” Yeah, no shit it works. I then looked up another girl I had a crush on, but this one looks more like that girl from Shark Boy and Lava Girl and she’s single. Anyway, I spent like 20 minutes doing this and my fries got cold and I didn’t finish them.

So whatever dude, go there. With or without a tranny hooker, your choice.


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2 Comments to Shake Shack

  1. roflol- where is there to go after that opening sentence? Hysterical review!

  2. B

    LOL!!! A new one! “Poor girl bowls like a geriatric Ecuadorian immigrant with arthritis.” Where the freak do you come up w/ this stuff???

    P.s. Shake Shack sucks.

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