Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Red Koi Thai & Sushi Lounge

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I’ve only been to Red Koi once and it wasn’t by choice. I assumed it was the Japanese equivalent to Red Lobster since it seems to follow the Red + aquatic animal formula. It’s a good thing I was wrong, because I maintain that Red Lobster was behind the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy. That place is evil. If Hitler and that passive aggressively mean redhead chick from Desperate Housewives had a child it would still think Red Lobster was evil.

You would think anything with the word “bomb” would be banned in a Japanese restaurant…

Red Koi consists of a blend of Japanese and Thai cuisine. I know you’re thinking, “but Orlando, aren’t those two things exactly the same?” Right? That’s what I thought too, but apparently the Thai people have their own separate culture from the Japanese. They also have a third world economy and a mind-boggling arrangement of transexuals. Don’t worry, none of that is reflected in their food thanks to good old American health department standards, a guideline ignored by the aforementioned Red Lobster. God damn I hate Red Lobster.

I myself am not a fan of sushi, since I like my meat how I like my women; hot and bloody. Hahaha, I’m just kidding, I don’t like my meat bloody. I was there for a friend’s birthday party and we were on the second floor next to some loud bags of douche who were clearly celebrating someone’s 21st birthday since they were pounding sake bombs like it was World War II. You would think anything with the word “bomb” would be banned in a Japanese restaurant, but either these people have no sense of irony or the only thing they know about Japan is Pikachu. And tentacle porn.

Since I don’t eat sushi, I ordered teriyaki salmon. I think. Whatever, I don’t remember. It was tasty and had steam coming off it when they brought it out, so I knew I was probably in the clear from food poisoning. Our waitress kept bringing us different little drinks in those measuring cups you use to figure out how much Pepto Bismol you should be taking after eating sushi to avoid the shits. Those were much appreciated and also great tasting. Our waitress wasn’t Asian but I kept trying to get her to say “me love you long time” all night and she eventually did write it on my receipt. The assholes with the sake bombs kept it up all night until the place turned into some sort of club. They dimmed the lights and — wait, let me explain how they dimmed the lights first. They had some dude come out and unscrew some lights from the ceiling. This I’m a fan of. Who needs light switches when you’ve got a guy with heat-resistant fingers that sounds like the punchline to a “how does Red Koi screw in a light bulb” joke? Anyway, they dimmed the lights and pumped some loud music that sounded like a Madonnagagacher megamix. That’s cool, I can appreciate catering to the expected customer base after midnight (or was it 11?)

My regular beverage was a Tsingtao since it makes perfect sense to make a Chinese beer your staple beer in a Thai/Japanese restaurant. Tsingtao tastes like the Tiananmen Square massacre. Plus it’s made in China so it probably has traces of lead in it.

Overall, for a place that serves sushi to a guy who despises it, I would say it was a good experience. It’s a great place to take someone who is racially insensitive toward Asian people.

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