Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Novecento

[post_intro] [/post_intro]

First thing’s first: How do you pronounce “Novecento”? Following logic, it’s an Italian word so it should be pronounced as “no-ve-CHEN-to.” If you’re retarded, it’s pronounced “no-ve-SEN-to.”

“Hey Chad, what’s up bro it’s Todd. Order me the ‘bru-SHEH-da’ with the ‘PEEK-zza’ over at the ‘no-ve-SEN-to’.”

I hate you, Todd.

Disregard the fact that Nietzsche was a racist and Ayn Rand was an objectivist whore…

Other than the unexpected ambiguity in the name, this is a decent place. It’s in Brickell which means it’s full of young professionals that wear ties to work. Professional tie wearers, if you will. They wear ties professionally. You get the idea. I’ve gone on a couple of dates here and none have ended up with sex immediately after. I blame Novecento for that, not the fact that I told math jokes or asked one of them if she’s had her boobs done.

They serve Guinness here which immediately means the bar is up-to-par. They also play rugby matches when they’re not plastering their walls with Argentine soccer. If you like attractive people with fake personalities you’ll also find them here, because that’s the thing with restaurants having vague names, it tends to captivate people who tell others they read Nietzsche’s or Ayn Rand’s work. Disregard the fact that Nietzsche was a racist and Ayn Rand was an objectivist whore who hated anyone without tons of money.

The food itself is acceptable. Being “just OK” is good enough for me since I make my own entertainment out of it. You know, simple things like hoping the slab of meat comes shaped like Jesus’ head so I can take that baby home and sell it to some Christian housewife in Nebraska on eBay. It has never actually happened, but a guy can dream. There’s also the Novecento salad. To understand what that salad is, think of going to McDonalds and saying “hey guys, what’s up. Let me have a number 3, but go ahead and chop all of that crap up and throw it in a bowl of lettuce.” Does it sound awesome? It is. It’s a freaking hamburger SALAD! It’s very oxymoronic, similar to that movie Brokeback Mountain with the gay cowboys. There’s such a huge amount of hetero manliness in a cowboy, and such a huge amount of un-hetero gay in a gay man. It’s the same with the Novecento salad. It’s like… a bisexual meal.

They have a little valet parking lot which I find hilarious because you pay a guy $5 to move your car 8 yards. It’s either that or you park at least a block away. Or do what I do and forge parking tickets. You can park on the sidewalk or between two handicap spots with one of those bad boys.

In summation, this is the kind of place you would enjoy if you do yoga on a regular basis and have at least 5 credit cards with a hefty balance, you yuppie bastard you.


So where the hell is it?
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