Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Miami International Airport

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This review was removed by Yelp HQ because it was “irrelevant” to the location being reviewed. They may be right, but fuck them, I thought it was funny. I’m posting it exactly as it appeared on Yelp before it was removed; no spicing up with images or all the other wacky things I do. It is, for the most part, a rebuttal to the over 200 reviews on Yelp about our beloved (mostly) MIA.

Damn, what’s with all the flack our great airport is receiving? Shit, people, it’s a place where FLYING MACHINES congregate to take you anywhere on the fucking planet. “Oh no, it’s hot!” Pussy. “The restrooms are dirty!” So is your asshole.

You can solve all your problems with the airport. Are you working too much and need a break? Book a flight and take a vacation! Need to see grandma so she can tell you stories about how she used to give Frank Sinatra blow jobs in Vegas for decent seats? Book a flight and give her a visit! Is your girlfriend letting herself go now that she discovered they sell tiramisu at Publix, and she “decided” jogging to keep her physique nice and tight isn’t as important as using that time to pursue her dream of oil painting so she’s now enrolled in a class at a community college run by some dipshit with a ponytail that says things like “feel the canvas” and “be the subject” as a way to teach his shitty students how to paint fruit bowls and fat, hairy guys they found as models on Craigslist?

What a bitch dude, I mean, you try to be supportive as much as you can, but when she starts gaining too much weight it comes along with emotional baggage on her part due to her new self-image. Now you have to deal with her feeling inadequate around her friends, and if she asks you if she’s gaining weight you’ve gotta lie otherwise you get into this whole big fight about how she thinks you don’t love her anymore. Plus she’ll tell her friends you’re an asshole, and your friends hear about it too and start giving you crap wondering why you’re dating a fat chick that talks shit about you to her friends. That’s a fucking mission because in addition to your boss being on your ass due to your slipping performance thanks to all the shit you’ve got on your mind, your entire support network seems to be against you. It’s awful. How the fuck do you deal with that shit? You love the girl so you don’t just want to break up with her, but she’s being such a stone-cold cunt about the situation you feel like you have no choice.

Somehow the whole thing blows back to your parents. It’s so annoying when your parents start telling you that you need to fix things, because they really like her and see a future with you two. Really? A future? Your mom is usually the first one to start talking shit about what she’s wearing, or that her family is trashy and lacks class so they wouldn’t want to be dealing with them during holidays and such. She doesn’t even fucking like her parents, but that doesn’t matter to your mom because she just tries to find conflict in everything. What’s wrong with her? Your dad not sticking up for you is a bothersome aspect of it all too. He just stays in the sidelines trying not to piss off either side, but he fucks himself because when you or your mom try to get him to agree his neutral stance pisses everyone off anyway. Now he’s got two people to deal with.

The whole thing could’ve been avoided if she just learned to partition her time a little better. Or for fuck’s sake, just eat less dessert if she doesn’t feel like exercising. And really, is it that difficult? Her metabolism is pretty normal so she can probably just pull off a daily jog for like 20 minutes, that’s nothing. She doesn’t need all that other pilates bullshit, overall she has a great body and all she needs to worry about is keeping the fat off and not toning so much. You’re not even sure how to deal with it, you want to just… just… put her on a fucking flight somewhere.

MIA is an awesome airport! I highly recommend it!


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