Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

China Grill

This was the very first Asian cuisine review I wrote after Yelp axed my Benihana story.

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I’m going to have to be very careful in how I review this place, because the last Asian place I reviewed got me a stern letter from Yelp management and the removal of said review which I spent a long time perfecting. Seriously, I took like, a whole 9 minutes to write it! You know how difficult it is to replace every instance of the letter L with an R? It’s actually very easy, forget I said that.

Sushi is made from the festering fallopian tubes of demon cow carcasses floating along the River Styx.

Here is a quick run down of China Grill’s best features:

1) It’s expensive, which means you can later tell people you ate at China Grill and it “wasn’t that expensive.” They’ll totally think you’re cool and not at all a pretentious cockwad.

2) Their portions are smaller than a Chin–[redacted, racist]–. Chinese food already does a terrible job of filling you up, so what does it matter if the amount of food they give you is less than the amount of food stuck between Kirstie Alley’s teeth?

3) The place is nicely decorated. It felt like I was really in China. By China I mean the Chinese portion of Epcot.

4) The service was good, which is a shame, because I like condescending-sounding waiters offered in other Chinese restaurants.

I won’t judge their huge selection of sushi, because I hate sushi. Sushi is made from the festering fallopian tubes of demon cow carcasses floating along the River Styx. Mark Twain, a great man who once romanced 49 women, flew solo across the Atlantic, sequenced the human genome, and built a patio deck for Nikola Tesla all in the same night once said, “It is a time when one’s spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death. Oh and I fucking hate sushi.” I rest my case.

What does a demon cow fallopian tube look like?

Fine, I admit, it looks delicious.

I figured most of the food tasted like PF Changs sauteed in your credit card, but I’ll have to be honest and say it tasted better. This food didn’t strike me as Chinese but more of an international/Americanized variety. So like Lucy Liu. Ugh, damn it, why did I say that. Now I want to Google photos of Lucy Liu.

I had the spicy tuna. To understand how great it was, try to imagine a –[redacted, racist]– telling some white chick that he wants to –[redacted, out of line]– while his –[redacted, dirty]– gets all his friends in on the –[redacted, what the fuck!]– and the –[redacted, someone stop this!]– but by the end it’s really pink and glossy. It’s exactly like that. So good.

At the end though, I wasn’t full and out of money so I ate other people’s leftovers off the tables on my way out without them knowing. Hahaha, I’m just kidding, I asked first.

So where the hell is it?
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