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A Lesson in Science

Science. Also known as “whiteman magic” throughout many parts of the world, it is one of the foundations of our modern society, much like reality TV shows and the “private browsing” option on web browsers that hide the history of visitations to hardcore pornography sites from your family and friends who use your computer.

Thanks to Republicans, not to be confused with conservatives, science has gotten a bad rap lately. A lot of it has to do with not understanding what science is and how it works.

What’s the difference between a Republican and a conservative?

The little things; intelligence, rationality, values, morals, responsibility.

With that said, I feel it is my duty as a scientist to tell you a little about some scientific disciplines. I “promise” to be accurate.


DNA is something that has been steadily growing in the scientific community. I’m sure many of you have seen DNA in use all the time. The most professional and widely used example of DNA in the modern world is that which can be found on the Maury Povich show. It involves fat, whorish sloths and unemployed high school drop outs finding out just who seeded, if you will, the child currently being put together by whiteman magic in said whore’s womb. After excessive repetition of “you are/aren’t the father” and many “oh snaps” and “I told you sos” DNA testing is complete.

What does a typical DNA result look like?

The real father ended up doing the robot.

But just what is DNA and how does it work? It’s simple! DNA got its name from the man who discovered it, Dan. Unfortunately, due to a mix-up in the patent office, the mix-up being they hired a moron, Dan’s name was misspelled as Dna. Because of that mistake, scientists decided to think fast and eventually came up with a better name, which is deoxyribonucleic acid. You have no idea how convenient that was, since it’s exactly what DNA is actually made up of. Thanks Dan!

DNA is essentially a set of instructions that set up how a living organism will work. It’s sort of like instructions on how to bake a cake, except it’s a lot more complex, detailed, advanced, intricate, and overall extraordinarily different in every way. Yes, like I said, it’s sort of like baking instructions. All living things have DNA, except Dick Cheney.

What is Dick Cheney made up of then?

Artist’s rendering.


Chromosomes are the scientific name for those cool silvery rims you see on many “pimped out” vehicles in music videos and MTV cribs. Also, and almost as important, it’s a macromolecule of DNA and it is usually what people are talking about when they mention “genes.” Urban youth as well as rappers like to ask ladies grammatically-sound questions such as “how’d you get in them genes,” to which the female usually responds with something along the lines of “my genome was a hereditary process through copulation between my mother and father, each of which transferred an equal amount of encoded and non-coding DNA sequences into a dynamic vessel for cellular reproduction to occur.” Then they have sweet, passionate sex.

But how does a chromosome determine traits in an organism? I’m glad you asked, I really am. A chromosome has encoded DNA that pretty much “tells” what the person will look and act like. Will the person have blue eyes? Will the person be tall? Will the person have a fervid hatred of inferior races such as the Daytona 500? All of this can be determined, simply enough, just by looking at the genes in chromosomes. Sure, they’re very small and can’t be seen by the naked eye, which is why we have eye-clothing called microscopes. Once you look into a microscope you can really see what I mean by knowing what a person will be like just by taking a look at some chromosomes.

What do chromosomes look like?

Know how I know you’re gay? Your chromosomes are color-coordinated.

As you can see from the fabulous palette, one of those is clearly a homosexual, and as you can see from the black letters introducing each image, the gay one is the one on the bottom, pun totally intended. This is how chromosomes work. You are now a licensed geneticist in the state of Wyoming.

The Cosmos

Cosmos as in stars. Hmm, that didn’t help. In other words, not the magazine. I’m talking about stars, galaxies, nebulae, planets, etc. They litter the night sky and allow guys everywhere to round second base just by their mention.

How does Don Draper get laid?

“Your eyes… something something shimmering star. Have sexual intercourse with me.”

Planets are where men and women hail from. Empirical evidence shows that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. It would make sense, since Mars is a desolate, cold lifeless rock that possibly had a great and fruitful life at one point but that quickly ended once it met Venus, and Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system. They wouldn’t have it any other way. Long ago, God contemplated making men from Venus instead of women, however he quickly scrapped that idea when he invented limericks. Galaxies are clusters of stars and planets. Galaxies also payed David Beckham $250 million to move to California with his Spice Girl and convert to Scientology within 3 years.

But how does the cosmos work? According to Christianity, it doesn’t. On the other hand, according to science it does! It’s very intricate. Stars, as you can see, are extremely small, that’s why so many of them can fit in the sky. The largest star in the universe is the one we call Sun, which is only a slightly bigger star than Alec Baldwin. These stars, like fireflies, slowly hover around the sky providing navigation aid for sailors as well as material for cheesy lyrics. There is also a successful business framework selling stars to average people. Companies like this, such as, take your money and in return give you a finely crafted certificate that officially states how stupid you are. Alongside that, they give you a digital photograph of the star you believe you purchased, with an arrow pointing to it and a caption that reads “This is where your head is, asshole.”


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1 Comment to A Lesson in Science

  1. NikkiBeat

    Haha… you should submit this to Wikipedia.

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