A Lesson in Miami Driving
Miami has a notorious reputation for road rage. That anecdote is according to various magazines, which I probably shouldn’t play up since the average magazine’s idea of journalistic integrity is blurring out Britney Spear’s vagina on her most recent “look at me, I’m stepping out of a car and there are seven pieces of shit relentlessly photographing me” spread.
You all know what I’m talking about, though. Miami drivers treat other people worse than Tiger Woods treats his ex-wife.
How badly does Tiger Woods treat Elin Nordegren?
“I’ll give you a quarter-billion dollars if you let me have sex with about 18 other women.”
I’ve put together a nice little list of what I believe are the five most annoying behaviors exhibited by Miami drivers. While I don’t condone having bumper stickers made which read, “I’m a fucking ASSHOLE” and placing them on the windshield of cars that display these practices, I’m also not against it either.
First, let’s see the legend.
As you can see, it is pretty self explanatory. The white car shows [currently] innocent drivers, the booger green car is your sweet little ride with a sun roof, and the orange-red car belongs to Satan’s ejaculate: The typical Miami driver.
I’m going to write this sentence only to prolong your reading in this box, because I know the green on blue up above is deteriorating your retinas, and I’m loving that.
Right. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s begin. First up…
The right turn cock-blocker.
This guy knows exactly what he’s doing. With the exception of a few situations where the driver needs to get on that right lane to make an upcoming turn, this piece of shit in a horseless carriage seems hell-bent on making your driving experience an awful one. All you want to do is make that right turn before that big group of cars behind him catches up, and you could have had he just remained in his lane. But no. Dick McAsshole wanted to get in your open lane, and in doing so he’s making you wait another 5 minutes for the traffic incoming behind him to clear out.
Thanks a lot, Dick McAsshole, now I won’t be home on time to watch El Gordo y la Flaca up to their hilarious shenanigans.
The left turn cock-blocker.
As the evil Siamese twin to the right turn pedophile-in-the-making, the left turn cock-blocker specializes in subversive psychological driving tactics. He lets you believe he’s following along in his straight path leaving you with no opportunity to advance. This sets you up to place your eyes behind him, looking for a suitable chance to make your left turn after him, and you notice you have an opening to make your turn once he passes you. Suddenly, the prick begins to slow down and it closes the gap between him and the cars behind him. You start frothing at the mouth, and wouldn’t you know it, the glorious bag of douche makes a right turn while avoiding the small finger motion it takes to flick on the right turn signal.
You missed your chance, you have to wait for another opportunity, and then a piano falls on your car and you die of AIDS. Oddly enough, it wasn’t the piano falling on your car that killed you, it was the full-blown AIDS you weren’t aware you even had. Funny how things work out.
The guy that hates coming in second place.
Is there any reason to do this? Would you ever treat another human being this way if you weren’t in the comfort of your metallic chariot behind the guise of anonymity and pretending not to have noticed? No, you wouldn’t. No person in their right mind would.
Then why does this occur every damn day to every damn person on every damn street in Miami? Because Miami residents are genuinely awful human beings. Let’s face it, we’re just not good people. At least we have nice beaches, though.
The geezer or female that doesn’t understand the passing lane.
This behavior is exclusive to old people and women. If you’re on the leftmost lane doing the speed limit or below for the past few minutes while talking on the phone with your friend about that ugly guy who flirted with you last weekend, you’re a fucking terrorist. That’s right, a terrorist. The passing lane takes its name from the operative word, “passing”, which means it is used to pass those on the lane to the right. Center lane(s) are reserved for normal traffic, right lane for traffic entering/exiting the highway, and the left lane for motherfuckers wishing to pass another motherfucker.
If you do not understand this, daddy gave you an extra chromosome. Possibly because he loves you. More likely because he’s a dick, which is where you inherited that trait from.
The dude ignoring all the ‘Do not block intersection’ signs.
I know what you’re all feeling right now. You’re yelling “oh my Zeus, I fucking hate people who do that!” Everyone hates them, however even with all that communal hatred between just about every human being on the planet without a learning disability (Fox News viewers) these people manage to exist. While they’re blocking the intersection, they also make it a point not to make eye contact with the people around them oozing rage. They stare straight ahead and move their car to within an inch of the bumper in front of them. This action of theirs is supposed to tell other drivers, “look, I’ve done everything I can to give you space. If you can’t fit, too bad.”
Dante wrote a special circle of Hell for these people, but his editor thought it was a little too fucked up, so he had him remove it from the final manuscript. It’s been said that Lucifer himself flat-out refused to treat the people in that circle of hell with the amount of dickery Dante intended.
If everyone who performs any of these acts of douche baggery stopped doing so, we could probably ease tensions in the Middle East on the positive energy released. Unfortunately, that’s never going to happen; the heat makes us assholes. How many wars are being fought in the snow right now? Right. How many wars in the desert? Exactly. Q.E.D. heat makes us assholes.
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