Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A Lesson in Miami Driving

Miami has a notorious reputation for road rage. That anecdote is according to various magazines, which I probably shouldn’t play up since the average magazine’s idea of journalistic integrity is blurring out Britney Spear’s vagina on her most recent “look at me, I’m stepping out of a car and there are seven pieces of shit relentlessly photographing me” spread.

You all know what I’m talking about, though. Miami drivers treat other people worse than Tiger Woods treats his ex-wife.

How badly does Tiger Woods treat Elin Nordegren?

“I’ll give you a quarter-billion dollars if you let me have sex with about 18 other women.”

I’ve put together a nice little list of what I believe are the five most annoying behaviors exhibited by Miami drivers. While I don’t condone having bumper stickers made which read, “I’m a fucking ASSHOLE” and placing them on the windshield of cars that display these practices, I’m also not against it either.

First, let’s see the legend.

As you can see, it is pretty self explanatory. The white car shows [currently] innocent drivers, the booger green car is your sweet little ride with a sun roof, and the orange-red car belongs to Satan’s ejaculate: The typical Miami driver.

I’m going to write this sentence only to prolong your reading in this box, because I know the green on blue up above is deteriorating your retinas, and I’m loving that.

Right. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s begin. First up…

The right turn cock-blocker.

This guy knows exactly what he’s doing. With the exception of a few situations where the driver needs to get on that right lane to make an upcoming turn, this piece of shit in a horseless carriage seems hell-bent on making your driving experience an awful one. All you want to do is make that right turn before that big group of cars behind him catches up, and you could have had he just remained in his lane. But no. Dick McAsshole wanted to get in your open lane, and in doing so he’s making you wait another 5 minutes for the traffic incoming behind him to clear out.

Thanks a lot, Dick McAsshole, now I won’t be home on time to watch El Gordo y la Flaca up to their hilarious shenanigans.

The left turn cock-blocker.

As the evil Siamese twin to the right turn pedophile-in-the-making, the left turn cock-blocker specializes in subversive psychological driving tactics. He lets you believe he’s following along in his straight path leaving you with no opportunity to advance. This sets you up to place your eyes behind him, looking for a suitable chance to make your left turn after him, and you notice you have an opening to make your turn once he passes you. Suddenly, the prick begins to slow down and it closes the gap between him and the cars behind him. You start frothing at the mouth, and wouldn’t you know it, the glorious bag of douche makes a right turn while avoiding the small finger motion it takes to flick on the right turn signal.

You missed your chance, you have to wait for another opportunity, and then a piano falls on your car and you die of AIDS. Oddly enough, it wasn’t the piano falling on your car that killed you, it was the full-blown AIDS you weren’t aware you even had. Funny how things work out.

The guy that hates coming in second place.

Is there any reason to do this? Would you ever treat another human being this way if you weren’t in the comfort of your metallic chariot behind the guise of anonymity and pretending not to have noticed? No, you wouldn’t. No person in their right mind would.

Then why does this occur every damn day to every damn person on every damn street in Miami? Because Miami residents are genuinely awful human beings. Let’s face it, we’re just not good people. At least we have nice beaches, though.

The geezer or female that doesn’t understand the passing lane.

This behavior is exclusive to old people and women. If you’re on the leftmost lane doing the speed limit or below for the past few minutes while talking on the phone with your friend about that ugly guy who flirted with you last weekend, you’re a fucking terrorist. That’s right, a terrorist. The passing lane takes its name from the operative word, “passing”, which means it is used to pass those on the lane to the right. Center lane(s) are reserved for normal traffic, right lane for traffic entering/exiting the highway, and the left lane for motherfuckers wishing to pass another motherfucker.

If you do not understand this, daddy gave you an extra chromosome. Possibly because he loves you. More likely because he’s a dick, which is where you inherited that trait from.

The dude ignoring all the ‘Do not block intersection’ signs.

I know what you’re all feeling right now. You’re yelling “oh my Zeus, I fucking hate people who do that!” Everyone hates them, however even with all that communal hatred between just about every human being on the planet without a learning disability (Fox News viewers) these people manage to exist. While they’re blocking the intersection, they also make it a point not to make eye contact with the people around them oozing rage. They stare straight ahead and move their car to within an inch of the bumper in front of them. This action of theirs is supposed to tell other drivers, “look, I’ve done everything I can to give you space. If you can’t fit, too bad.”

Dante wrote a special circle of Hell for these people, but his editor thought it was a little too fucked up, so he had him remove it from the final manuscript. It’s been said that Lucifer himself flat-out refused to treat the people in that circle of hell with the amount of dickery Dante intended.

If everyone who performs any of these acts of douche baggery stopped doing so, we could probably ease tensions in the Middle East on the positive energy released. Unfortunately, that’s never going to happen; the heat makes us assholes. How many wars are being fought in the snow right now? Right. How many wars in the desert? Exactly. Q.E.D. heat makes us assholes.

Science.

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34 Comments to A Lesson in Miami Driving

  1. B

    My fave are the assholes blocking the intersection during a red light. One day, I hope a runaway 18-wheeler slams into them.

  2. OH EM GEEEEE I cannot stand the dumdums that insist on not putting on their turn signal and then they make you have to wait through a whole different wave of traffic to get in. Ugh! You got Miami drivers right down to the very last detail!

  3. I hate the guy that hates coming in second place! You totally nailed all the horrible Miami drivers!

  4. Seriously. There are others, but these seem to be the most prevalent of douches.

  5. I am STILL having abdominal wall muscle contractions from reading this post!! OMG…you are SOOOOO right about these Miami driving dickheads!!

  6. Just found your site bro. You nailed the drivers in this messed up shithole. Bravia or machismo is the full blown culprit. Never gonna change though unfortunately. I thought drivers in mass were tough, but at least when they are turning and speeding up you can gage what they are about to do. The drivers here have their left turn signal on, then switch three lanes to the right and stop their car in the damn lane. Who does that?

  7. Monte

    “Dude ignoring all of the Do Not Block Intersection Signs”… I don’t think there’s anything else in this world that pisses me off more in this world(other than short people). As if Miami rush hour isn’t bad enough, now when I finally get to the front of the fucking line, I’m not able to take advantage of the green light that lasts about the same length of time as a premature ejaculator because this dickhead is blocking the intersection.

    Recently though, I had a nice chuckle during a Friday morning commute to work. The City of Miami traffic cops have been trying to cut down on this. I’ve seen one motor bike cop posted up on US1 and 27th on more than one occasion, hidden behind a piling, lurking, waiting to fuck these jerks in the pooper like they deserve. Well, one morning, I just so happen to stop even though my light was green because I knew I wouldn’t have ample room to fit; however, the dickhead next to me (who had cut me off a few blocks back at Rivera Drive) decided to keep on going. Sure enough, a yellow, then red light ensued immediately after and that dipshit was left hung out to dry in the middle of the intersection. The motor bike cop pounced on this little fuck and it is my assumption that he issued him a nice fine. It was a great way to start the weekend.

  8. Ben

    this is awesome, but needs some expanding… how about the person ahead of you in the left hand turn lane who refuses to inch up and help you both make the left turn as the oncoming traffic light turns yellow OR there’s just a break in the action and you can both make it through? instead, this person sits behind the damn white line and misses all chances to turn left until the next time he has the green left arrow. why? why does this only happen in miami?

    • John

      This is my #1. Curious it wasn’t mentioned by Orlando. Not moving and apparently staring at how pretty the color is when the light turned green is #2. (Also not mentioned.) Then comes intersection blocking.

  9. Paul

    I’ve had people beep at me for NOT moving forward and blocking the intersection. I then roll down my window, point to the DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION sign, then give them the finger. Once they realize I’m 6’4, 350 lbs, they simmer down. Fucking cocksuckers. Wanna see a good example of this? NW 74th Street and South River Drive in Medley. Cops a mile down the road giving speeding tickets instead.

  10. Mary

    This is the MOST ACCURATE description of Miami Drivers EVER!!!! Everyday I expierence ALL of the traffice senarios you so hilariously posted. Working and living in HIALEAH/ HIALEAH GARDENS area. (The ultimate “bad driving capital in the state of FL) … I am grateful to SURVIVE each day…. thanks for the illustrations to go with your tirade…they are CLASSIC!!!

  11. Amanda

    I got rear-ended because a right turn cockblocker got in the way just as I was turning onto tamiami from the turnpike. I had to slam on my brakes, but they guy behind me didn’t. Thus cockblocker got away unscathed, and I had shit to deal with.

  12. 2 additional – nicknames included:-
    DAFT OBLIVIOUS DORIS(DOD)
    1. Description – 30 something mother in an SUV struggling to keep the beast of a vehicle between the expansive and well marked Miami lane markings.
    Behavior – fending off un-seatbelted kids on the school run while on her cell phone clearly gossiping to another DOD, tailgating behind an equally oblivious DOD. Taking whatever chance she has to get a few positions ahead. But question her prowess behind a wheel and driving ability and she will turn gangstress on you (while still on the cell phone) claiming she is some supernatural being who can put innocent commuters at risk.

    EXIT COCKBLOCKER
    2. So you come off at the exit of the I-95 and you’re turning right. Everyone who is patiently waiting for that left turn to come around is creeping forward wishing they too were going right and could carry on right by. But not the Exit Cockblocker; he has chips on both shoulders and he is not going to let you have an open straight. Some will just veer towards you and scare the living bejeezus out of you. But if it is the same situation on a minor road, the EC will either:-

    a.

  13. 2 additional – nicknames included:-
    DAFT OBLIVIOUS DORIS(DOD)
    1. Description – 30 something mother in an SUV struggling to keep the beast of a vehicle between the expansive and well marked Miami lane markings.
    Behavior – fending off un-seatbelted kids on the school run while on her cell phone clearly gossiping to another DOD, tailgating behind an equally oblivious DOD. Taking whatever chance she has to get a few positions ahead. But question her prowess behind a wheel and driving ability and she will turn gangstress on you (while still on the cell phone) claiming she is some supernatural being who can put innocent commuters at risk.

    EXIT COCKBLOCKER
    2. So you come off at the exit of the I-95 and you’re turning right. Everyone who is patiently waiting for that left turn to come around is creeping forward wishing they too were going right and could carry on right by. But not the Exit Cockblocker; he has chips on both shoulders and he is not going to let you have an open straight. Some will just veer towards you and scare the living bejeezus out of you. But if it is the same situation on a minor road, the EC will either:-

    a. Block the road and look through the rear view mirror defiantly at you.
    b. Get into your lane going 15mph, and block your right turn exit.

  14. Germ

    I used to think Miami drivers were bad but now I live in Manila. I long for the polite and orderly traffic in Miami. That’s right, polite and orderly.

  15. Zac

    dont for get the breaklight fucktards, the ones who insist on tapping their breaks every few minutes totally mind fucking you into ignoring their melting tail lights when all of a suuden they have an excuse to stop and make you jam on YOUR breaks!

  16. rel

    Going slow in the passing lane is the main reason traffic exists. That an the assholes who slow down to 20mph to look at a car in the emergency lane. I’m sure I will die of a heart attack one day being angry and passing lane fucktards.

  17. carlos

    one of the worst offense is the asshole on the expressway who is going 50 , your going 60 and the second he see’s you trying to get in front of him he speeds up only to slow down again. these people need to be shot

  18. Steve

    Did you draw those yourself?

    • Bought the tiles from a set on iStockphoto and meticulously arranged them.

  19. Too Curtious

    @Paul – Those fucktards who sit in the long line of stagnant traffic, but insist on moving up 15 feet just so you cannot make a left turn in front of them are fully deserving of a Flaming Molotov / Shit Cocktail being thrown through their driver’s side window. This is the same hemorrhoid on humanity that needs to get to the other side of that upcoming intersection while driving down US1, but just never seems make it all the way across.

    I’m a firm believer in traffic busting: http://reality.sculptors.com/~salsbury/Articles/traffic.busting, but in Miami it is clearly a sign of your own mental incompetence to leave more than 8″ between you and the car in front of you while traveling at speed. Your desire to be at a safe distance is a weakness to be weened from the herd through ostracism, daily beatings and a speedy cut in front of you.

    I did not see another annoying and formidable blight on mankind, the “You’re a Hazard, not me!” cock dribble. These cunts feel that inclement weather poses an immediate danger to everyone else but them. Their well-thought out remedy during a deluge is to turn on their own hazard lights “for safety” rather than just slowing down or pulling the fuck over. “As long as I’m visible, nothing can go wrong: mach speed!”

    Don’t forget, these archetypes transcend our roadways and spill over into the supermarket. Perhaps your next piece could analyze the current state of gracelessness in navigating tight market aisles with the clueless and inconsiderate bastards living here.

    • Maybe in time I’ll write about supermarket protocol. Too recently I wrote about the types of shoppers I see at Publix, so I need a buffer before I revisit the supermarket theme.

  20. peter

    you, your writing, and your concerns remind me of my youth. i grew up in miami too.

  21. Jessica

    Excellent. I know you just left it out for the sake of simplicity in your images, but lets not forget about the dicks who enjoy slamming their horns after the green light has been on for about 0.5 seconds…probably the same dicks who waiting behind you to make a left turn on an already blocked “do not block intersection,” first beep at you when the light turns yellow and then go around you and fill in the gap between you and the other three cars in front of you that will all go on red…

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  23. LAdams

    You are the best blogger of all time! Love all your posts, but this one is TOPS.

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  25. Sunny

    Yes, yes, I know this was posted eons ago, but I am new to your site….

    The passing lane offendors are not merely limited to women and old farts, dude. I encounter a number of (young, male) assholes ambling along in their shiny hoopties on 836 every day. Some are just generally clueless or hate their jobs (read: are not in any kind of a hurry), while others are blocking the passing lane just to be comemierdas. That said, you’re spot on with the obs.

    P.S. The aforementioned twats do not like being passed by a pissed off chick in a hurry.

  26. Melissa

    You missed the fuck-wads who have no basic understanding of the mechanics of the “traffic circle”. I have the supreme misfortune of having one at the entrance to the apartment community where I live and I swear not one person living there other than me understands how one must enter the roundabout. You YEILD to traffic already in the circle. You DO NOT speed in thinking you are the center of the goddamn universe and anyone who’s already making their way around will just stop the entire flow of traffic for you. Then they have the audacity to yell at me when I almost ram into them. UGH. Makes me want to follow them home and piss all over their front door. Is that crazy?

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  30. Sean

    THE FUCKING CUNTS THAT I CALL PIGGY-BACKERS!!! They have a green left arrow to turn left… The green left arrow turns to solid green and about 5 or 6 ADDITIONAL CUNT CAR FUCKS continue to turn left stopping the traffic in the opposite lane. This happens constantly during southbound US1 traffic at 37th ave. I’ve started to lay on the HORN and ACCELERATOR immediately when my light turns green. SCARES THE FUCK out of them. I also hate the cunts that put their hazards on during rainstorms. I wish it was legal to run them off the road while their children are in the car so that genetic strain ends forever.

    wow, I kinda feel better

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